Yesterday was a very bad day for me and my family. We drove up to the National Institutes of Health to pick up my Dad from the hospital. He had been in there about a week being treated for tumors which had formed on his spine and were causing him excruciating pain in his legs. The targeted radiation worked relatively well and relieved the pressure. However, we were then informed that there was nothing more that could be done for him. That his cancer was now beyond any experimental medicine. While they could try many different experimental treatments, the returns would be dwarfed by the side effects.

So they are setting up hospice care for him next week and he will simply stay at home and wait to die. It’s a fucked up way of doing things…but I know my Dad won’t give up that easily. I overheard that he intends to explore several other options to try and prolong his life and slow down the cancer’s progress. Hopefully that is so, but at this point I find myself preparing for the worst case scenario. I am going to be working with my Mom to get everything we need to know about bills, the house, the mortgage and everything else I need to know. I have no intentions of being lost in a haze after my Dad passes away. The house will become my house, and my Mom will be my primary responsibility. She is strong, she is Irish, she will be fine – and I will be there to make sure she is. The urge to cry has subsided a bit, I didn’t cry much at all yesterday. I felt it was just a pointless waste of energy. There is no need for me to be concerned about something I have no control over. My father’s death has always hovered over me since his cancer returned and I have known this day would come, it will come and being emotional about it does little good to prevent it. So I will be brave and responsible and do what I have to do. Getting married would be a good start. My girlfriend and I have talked about it quite a bit, but she will be in China soon and I will have to see what we’re going to do. I may end up living in China for a while. No idea. And that is a topic for another blog entry.

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